Shades of Ashes
by Angel Leviathan
Summary: She reasons she had nobody else to turn to, for no one else knows of what went on.


Title: Shades of Ashes

Author: Angel Leviathan

Spoilers: None. I think.

Season: Future, I suppose.

Disclaimer: Stargate Atlantis, characters, concept, etc, aren't mine.

**Notes**: **Contains continued mention of miscarriage. **I **know** it is not a subject to play with and I didn't intend to write it. I don't mean to upset or offend anyone, and I sincerely apologise if I do so. If you believe this will affect you then please **do not read.**

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She dreams of holding a crying bundle in her arms, of first smiles and complete innocence and dependency. She dreams of a devotion she's never known in her life. Sometimes she can see the figure toddling along ahead of her. …But she can never see the child's face.

The miscarriage nearly destroyed her. So early on, Elizabeth had tried to convince herself that it was barely a child that she had lost, that it was too early for it to be considered a real human being, but from the outset she knew she was lying to herself. That it had been so early on somehow made it worse. She told herself that she had been stupid, overworked, too tired to notice the changes in her own body. She should have known, so she thought. Should have been able to protect the tiny life inside her. She was a failure as a mother from the start. She never told anyone these thoughts, not even him. Until the one day when John repeated to her that it hadn't been her fault and she raged at him that she should have known, should have been able to do something to keep their child alive. But she lost it, and lost a part of her heart along with it.

She's terrified she can't have children. But she's also terrified of getting pregnant again. She's not sure she could go through another miscarriage and remain sane. She doesn't want to put him through it either. She knows she leant heavily on him in the months after it happened, and feels guilty that she did so, for he was grieving for their child too. She reasons she had nobody else to turn to, for no one else knows of what went on. Only her, John, and Carson. Nobody else knows what Elizabeth lost her child. Nobody else knows that she was even pregnant. She knows that was for the best. She couldn't take all the sympathetic words and looks, reassurances and anxious hovering from anyone else.

They've been trying for a baby for some time. The longer it takes, the more she is convinced she can't create another life. They are assured that there is nothing wrong with either of them, and that they must just be having bad luck. She knows he wonders if it is him too. They don't speak of it. She remembers when the times they slept together were more passionate, spur of the moment, complete abandon without a care. Now it always seems to be leading to something, it has a purpose and has to be done. They love as always, but it seems a crying effort.

They've been trying for nearly a year. She is about ready to give up. She tries to keep her grief to herself, but knows John sees it in her eyes, and she sees the same reflected back at her. They both think they are each at fault. They haven't slept together in weeks. She wants to have his children, but wants to let him go so that he can be certain of being a father. He wants his children to be hers. He wonders if their genes are compatible at all. He doesn't care. He loves her. But knowing she wants his children and seemingly cannot have them destroys him as much as it does her. He finds her sobbing in her old quarters one evening. They make love like they used to in the darkness.

Elizabeth finds his reaction to impending fatherhood rather amusing. In the moments where she lets her guard down and isn't constantly worrying she'll lose this child as well. She agrees to work fewer hours and to try and relax more. Try being the operative word. He goes missing on a mission for over a week. She puts on a brave face and tells everyone that they're all coming home soon for sure. She cries silently alone in the night, on her own time, with only the stirring of their child within her for comfort. She finds it reassuring and soul destroying at the same time. He finds his way home, battered and broken, but alive.

She hears the shrieking laughter of their daughter as her father threatens to throw her into the ocean once again. He is a wonderful father and she's glad they finally made it this far. She believes moments like this make it all worthwhile. She never saw herself with children until the thought of no child shook her to her very core. They both still silently mourn the child that never was. She knows a devotion that runs deeper than any emotion she has ever felt in her life. Elizabeth leads her city during the day and tucks her daughter into bed at night. She knows terror and fear and blinding rage, the need to destroy everything in her path. She knows when to be silent and wait and hope. She loves her partner like no other. She can have heartbreaking days and devastating nights, but, to her, it beats a safe existence. She isn't even sure she understand what safe means anymore.

Fin


End file.
